What was the plot of the Super Mario Bros. movie? No, really, what happened?

I don't think the Super Mario Bros. Movie was very good. If I'm remembering correctly, it was quite bad, actually. If I remember. See, the thing about it as a film is that I'm sure I watched it, but I almost immediately special express delivered my recollection of it to the nearest Mushroom Kingdom trash pipe.

Let's try anyway. I'm going to do my best to remember The Plot of the film, and me from the future will make any necessary corrections before Nintendo's lawyers backwards long jump in and break my legs.

Once upon a time there was a Mario man, and he was very good at plumbing. He lived in the real world of New York and not the Mushroom Kingdom, which is stolen directly from the much better Super Mario Bros. movie made in 1993. Mario owns a plumbing business with his brother Luigi, and there's a large man named Spike who is better at plumbing. Or maybe he's just taller, I remember there being a lot of jokes about Mario being small, a real staple of the Super Mario video games. Little Mario Tiny-Pants, they call him that in Paper Mario, probably.