Which Metal Gear character has the biggest hog?

There are two immutable truths one must be aware of while contemplating Metal Gear. The first is that any moral, ethical, historical, philosophical or canonical fact is open to endless questions or discussion; the second is that Hideo Kojima is obsessed with men. Aesthetically, narratively, emotionally.

Sexually.

Metal Gear Solid is, among many other things, an examination of masculinity; underneath the real horrors of private military corporations, nuclear weapons, child soldiers and unchecked genetic experimentation runs a commentary on the men who built the problems. For every war crime and giant robot there is at least one man who should have gone to therapy instead. Kojima has rightly been criticised for shallow portrayals of women in his games, female characters in his stories often relegated to stereotypes like sexy tomboy who needs saving, sexy spy who is a sexy double agent, or sexy plant who needs to be sexy to stay alive. Women in Kojima games are so ridiculously underwritten (with notable exceptions) that it almost appears to be a by-product of the director's intense fixation on the masculine.

With that in mind, how big is Snake's penis? In any other series, comparing—or even calculating—the size of fictional genitals would be ludicrous. Impossible even! Yet here in the world of Metal Gear it feels within reach. Not like that, get your mind out of the gutter.

Let's start with Solid Snake, David to his friends. The original Metal Gear Solid was made from exactly 13 polygons, so there isn't a lot to work with visually. Solid Snake is obviously overflowing with what you might call Big Dick Energy, for whatever that's worth. He carries himself with the confidence of a man not struggling in the sausage department. All of the major Snakes are very confident, in fact, although I'm not sure I put much stock in vibes-based measures of sexual girth. The women in MGS seem as keen as I am to examine his pants, but they have no inside knowledge of how legendary Solid's snake actually is. Except for Naomi, who has a long conversation with a nude Snake before the mission begins. All of the first game also takes place off the chilly coast of Alaska, so it feels like an unfair place to make a penile judgement.

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty gives us very little Snake, and even less about his tactical espionage dong, but you do have to concede that the man has the balls required to rock a mullet in 2001. He also boasts about having 'infinite ammo'. Wink.

In Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, Solid returns in old man form. Did you know there's no evidence that a man's junk shrinks with age? Perceived shrinkage is thought to frequently be attributed to perspective combined with weight gain. Snake stays in great shape well into his artificial old age (just take a look at those rock-hard buns) so there's nothing to worry about there. High blood pressure and atherosclerosis can cause willies to shrink, though, and both conditions can be caused by excessive smoking. Old Snake is a chain-smoker with a death wish, so there's credible evidence that whatever his johnson once was could be somewhat diminished by the end of the series.

Genetic materials

We're churlishly forgetting an important aspect of Snake, Snake, Snake and Snake in this discussion, of course: cloning. Solid (the spy), Liquid (the terrorist) and Solidus Snake (the former President of the United States of America) are all clones of the legendary soldier, Big Boss. They're all identical copies of BB, meaning all their respective chodes should be copies as well, right?

Not exactly. First of all, Liquid claims that the Les Enfants Terribles projects deliberately gave him all Big Boss' recessive genes so Solid could have all of the dominant genetic material. Put aside how little sense that makes as a plan or from a science perspective for just a moment. Try not to think about it. Ding-a-ling size is polygenic, meaning it is the result of multiple genetic and environmental factors rather than one gene, dominant or recessive. That means there's no way to predict whether Liquid or Solid lucked out most. They might have entirely separate penis genes.

However, environment is another important factor in the final shlong result, particularly during the puberty years. Solid Snake grew up in a very happy foster home where he was looked after and cared for like a normal human boy. He probably ate good food and slept in a room that had no pesticides or other dangerous chemicals. Liquid—whose real name is revealed in Metal Gear Solid V to be Eli—grew up in a forest, was taken in by a false version of Big Boss and forced to exist in the middle of the ocean, got infected with deadly parasites, and spend his teenage years in the military. Liquid Snake's exposure to dangerous, cock-altering chemicals and negative stimulus is off the charts. Hormone differences and endocrine disruptors have been shown to stunt penis growth in adolescents, and I'd wager they'd be in abundance in the sorts of environments where teen Liquid was spending all his time. For this reason I am tentatively ranking him as having the smallest wiener of all the Snakes.

Intermission

While this is a rigidly scientific exercise, there are certain ethereal theories that I feel deserve a little attention. The following notes aren't supported by any direct evidence from the games, so if you would like to skip back to the rest of the high quality, source-dependent journalism you can do so below.

1. Kazuhira Miller has an above average penis, but for many psychological and historical reasons is insecure and believes it is too small. He would deny this if asked.
2. Otacon, aka Hal Emmerich, has an outrageously huge cock. Anyone who has seen it is shocked and immediately feels the need to discuss it with others. Having never seen another penis before marrying David, Otacon is under the mistaken impression his is normal size.
3. Huey Emmerich (Hal's father) cries if you ever mention anything positive or negative about his penis. When he has trouble in the bedroom he blames it on his partner.
4. Johnny Sasaki's penis is a little below average but he does good work.
5. Revolver Ocelot surgically alters his genitals to suit whatever double agent role he is currently embodying; he has a closet of highly-detailed penis models. One of these models is Big Boss' penis, although it has never been used on a mission.
6. Colonel Yevgeny Borisovitch Volgin has quite a small penis, and he has killed a lot of people in relation to it.
7. Roy Campbell has a perfectly average penis by all statistical metrics. If you look up penis size in medical journals it just has a picture of Campbell staring stoically at the screen. His penis dimensions are defined by taking the fixed numerical value of the Planck constant h to be 6.62607015×10⁻³⁴ when expressed in the unit J⋅s, which is equal to kg⋅m²⋅s⁻¹, where the metre and the second are defined in terms of c and Δν_Cs.
8. Liquid shaves his pubic hair. Don't ask me why, it's just a feeling I have.

Bringing out the big guns

Solidus, aka George Sears, is slightly different to his test tube brothers. He was built and raised to be a perfect copy of Big Boss, rather than an improved experiment. One has to assume this means they controlled his environment perfectly to replicate what they knew about the original Big Boss, so it's plausible that Solidus Snake has precisely the same dick dimensions as his father.

Now I know what you're saying: we don't even know how big Big Boss' little boss was yet, so we can't know what Solidus was packing in the Oval Office. Good point, let's travel to 1964.

Naked Snake is the beginning of the ouroboros, the original super soldier from which the Terrible Children were cloned. As such, his member is a sort of template, in theory. As with David, Naked Snake is good with the ladies—although his rebuffs are less stoic and more a consequence of him being tremendously stupid—and carries himself with far too much confidence. Snake does have sex during the events of Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, but the experience is expertly cut for sensitive video game audiences and woefully lacking in direct penile commentary. His clothes are a lot bulkier than Solid Snake's sneaking suit too, so visual speculation is difficult.

When Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker rolls around, however, we can expose the truth. Peace Walker contains several missions that are actually dates, where you take the characters to the beach, for example, and do normal soldier things like have sex in a cardboard box.

You also get to hang out with your favourite base buddy in revealing outfits, in case you wanted to see your platonic business partner (or the abused teenage girl under your guardianship) in skimpy underwear. Snake strips off too, and while he never goes completely nude there is a definite and significant bulge in the model. One can almost picture Kojima hovering over the artist's shoulder, compelling them to make it bigger. This bulge confirms that we are supposed to think of Naked Snake as a well-endowed individual. Which inevitably trickles down to his clones' dong quotient potential.

Could anything later in life have altered Naked's snake? Always possible, he had a difficult life spent around chemical weapons, injury, and direct exposure to multiple nuclear weapons. Naked was present at the 1954 Bikini Atoll nuclear test, avoiding the cancers of his peers but becoming sterile as a result. He was also crumpled under a nearby tree when Colonel Volgin fired a nuclear missile at the test facility in Tselinoyarsk. No studies have found any correlation between radiation (weapon-based, industrial or medical) and penis size, however, and my search history for "penis size nuclear weapon" will haunt me forever. A similar scientific shrug goes to Big Boss' dietary habits, which are troubling from a food hygiene standpoint but irrelevant to the heft of a cock. No matter how many poison spiders and irradiated fish you eat, it probably won't change your penis measurements.

So if Naked Snake's hog is impressive, perhaps we can compare it to the others somehow. Them being 30-40 years apart makes it a little difficult, and the only person who has almost certainly touched at least two Snake snakes is Revolver Ocelot, canonically the most lying liar that ever lied a lie. Volgin does make direct contact with Naked Snake's crotch while Snake is disguised as Major Ivan Raidenovich Raikov, an act which confirms to Volgin that Snake is an imposter. Unfortunately all this tells us is that Snake's penis is substantially different to Raikov's, and we know nothing about Raikov.

You're... a man!?

We should talk about crotch grabs, though, a startlingly common occurrence in the Metal Gear universe. Naked Snake gets grabbed in Snake Eater, as mentioned; Old Snake can use CQC to grab the crotch of male soldiers during combat to instantly knock them out; and Raiden, main protagonist of Metal Gear Solid 2, is grabbed by the President of the United States to confirm he's not a woman. Not that president, a different one.

That's right, we didn't forget about Raiden. He's not a Snake, but he possesses one, and oddly enough we have more information about his penis than perhaps any other character.

Firstly, his sneaking suit (referred to as a Skull Suit) is far tighter than Solid Snake's, clinging to every curve of the boy. This means we get a substantial look at the outline of his penis throughout the game, and it appears substantial. Of all the complaints Rose has about Raiden, his endowment is not one of them. Additionally, as part of Raiden's journey through becoming the most put-upon of all Metal Gear protagonists, he is captured and tortured. Unlike the relatively dignified pants-on electro-shock experience David endures, Raiden is stripped entirely naked and choked repeatedly by Solidus, an act as uncomfortably sexual and incestuous as it sounds.

I don't mention this just to highlight Raiden's suffering. When escaping from Arsenal Gear's torture room Raiden can pretend to still be restrained when a guard enters, his crotch hidden by a conveniently-placed foreground drinking straw. The guard examines Raiden's nude body and says "Wish I had that...", heavily implying that Raiden's penis is not only large, but impressive enough to be remarked upon. This is only the opinion of one guard, of course, but it seems much more plausible to assume Raiden's cock is massive than that we found the one guard in the facility with a micropenis.

Also that straw is rendered to be huge. There's no reason to make it that big unless you're trying to imply a Godzilla-scale monster is concealed behind it.

With the evidence at hand, therefore, I have to concede that Raiden's penis is most likely the largest in Metal Gear. Solidus runs in at a close second, owing to his inheritance from his father, Big Boss, and a life that probably contained less harmful military-grade chemical weapons. The rest can fight over scraps. If another Metal Gear game comes out in the future which provides next-gen penis models I will update this article accordingly.